As she parted those lips, which appeared as if they've been sealed for eternity, they formed a word but no sound came out from between them. Her eyes became wild with terror as she struggled to make a sound, any sound, from her tender throat. There was no other way to express her thoughts but to write them down. Tears ran down her cheeks from those glossy eyes of her as she continued endlessly to regret her choice of not speaking a word for years, she didn't care about the loneliness anymore, all she wants to have back now is her voice. . . . . |
I was born up in the land of stars. Everything was perfect, no hate, no lies, no misery, no pain, just the great life anyone could wish for. Then one day, I got to think about what would happen if none of this is an actual world. The powerful creatures, which we referred to as the elders, of my world came down and scolded me for my impure thoughts about the non-perfect world and cast me down to another place, but not a world like this. It was filled with creatures with horrible intentions for others, I could see their energy, pure evil. I was frightened for years since my abandonment by the elders of my past world. For yers I stayed curled up in the dark corners on this strange new and evil world that I was casted down to. One day, a creature approached me, he was beautiful in my eyes and the creature's energy was full of pure goodness. 'He must've been cast down by one of my elders from my past world.' I thought, but I never seen him there before. Years go by and we got to know each other more, he was wonderful and yet he was mortal trapped to stay in this hell for eternity, I've never met a mortal before. But how did he end up in a place like this? I never asked the creature. Years go by and we became close, almost knowing each others thoughts. Then one day, my years of being casted down was over, the elders came and offered me back the life I had before, I was filled with joy and yet at the same moment loneliness, I was about to get reunited with those I knew in my past but sad that I was going to leave the creature I grew to love. I couldn't do either, and so, the elder gave me the only choice I could be left with which could be even or fair. The took me to this world between my past and my present. It was fair yet foul at the same time, beautiful yet destructive, hopeful and hopeless, the ying yang of things. He gave me the proposal, become reborn in this world and live through this life in anyway, the end of my life would be my judgement day, it will lead me to either back to my past life of back to the creature that I loved. So now here I am, still living my life, hopeing to figure out which path the elders will lead me to. I cannot choose on my own, I love both worlds that I lived in. So that's the explaination of why I'm here as my past slowly uncovers itself to my mind in my dreams. As I was reborn into this new strange world. All I can remember now is the present, is this one of the consequences that I'm left with when I become born as a mortal? I do not remember how I looked like as a child, as how you mortals refer to yourselves in the helpless state, I don't have much memories of how things were then. All I know is that there is much pain and misery inflicted on mortals, but I do not know the reason why these things are happening to me, it is too unbearable. This water like substance keeps forming in my eyes everytime I wake up to start to face the world again and when I go to rest my eyes, I don't know what is wrong with me, but the sensation is just terrible. I know how weak I am, when I see you mortals face these sensations, you take it out on the weak, you abuse them because of what happened in your past, you hurt many inorder for you to gain confidence and feel superiour to them, you would do anything to aquire authority and power. Savages! When I think about my past worlds, they are nothing compared to this, the happiness and the pain. There are moments when I wish I could've just figured out which realm I wanted to be in or if I coud've brought the creature that I love so dearly with me to my past world. To choose between happiness without the one you love and the happiness with the one you love hurts my heart... but better to have loved and lost that to have noever loved at all, a quote from one of your famous yet dead mortals. Oh well... another few years or days go by and the closer I get to discover the path I have yet to take. Last night I had a dream; the elders came to me and they told me that I will find m path soon, I still hope to be with my beloved creature but I want things to be perfect again. Still torn aparts from these two desires., I just want to be rid of it but I can't. For everyone that has desires and wants them to exist, there are always concequeces, one must sacrifice one for the other. I woke up this morning with the desire to find out my path now, I took the dagger but the elders stopped me. If I did so now, I wouldn't e able to be with either, but then I would be stuck eternally in the mortal world. You learn things through time but as you know me, time is my enemy. Another day goes by, seems just like tomorrow and tomorrow, and tomorrow, it all seems the same. Through the years I've been mortal, so many lessons were taught to me, so many people taught me what value means to them, how selfish you are, how inconsiderate of others you are. And then, there are the others, the kind, the generous, and the wolves in sheeps clothing. Happiness, I have experienced with regret and sadness. This life is so interesting, so many emotions mortals go through. these abnormal beings (my parents) are even more absurd! As I have made my point, I am a disgrace to my culture, I do not deny it, how can I support such a culture?! The reasoning of things, the rediculous superstitions, the traditions, and the way of disipline. I am not mortal, I am me, I am who I choose to be and I will always be this way, it is my mortal life for this moment, I chose to live it the way I would enjoy it. Another day came, but I felt as if I was born again on this 'hell on earth', found another mortal, touch and words from him changed my surroundings, saw things in a new perspective. His warmth of touch, his comforting words, and the life he put into my body, I saw things in a new perspective. As the days go by knowing that he loves me, I could make it through the day and the challenges life was throwing at me in all directions. For once again I felt comfort that I had with my first mortal love, all that I hoped was the never have that feeling go away. Months go by, but my happiness does not stay for long, chaos came to my world and the life in me disappeared. The abandonment that I felt was absolutely unbearable for my body to take. I gave him my life, my mind, heart, body, and soul to keep. When love left me, he took it all away,nothing left but this wandering spirit under the name "Midnight Mistress". The pain and the misery came back to devour me again, the rememberance of my mortal love in the world made me wept to think of not being with him. If only I could take the knife and end this mortal life of mine, it would bring me to my happiness again. I cry a river of tears and everynight that goes by, comes endless sorrow for what seems to be eternity. While I was lost in this realm of sadness, a new mortal came to me. With his words, he took me out of the sorrowful world I was trapped in and brought me back into the heavens I was before or what it seemed to me to be heaven. For once in a long while, I was happy again, for the first ime, I was happy enough to cry tears of joy. The love that came had overwhelmed me, but there is still the fear of being abandoned again, the hurt that hides in the back ready to push me off the cliffs back into misery ready and waiting for me. To hear those wonderful words again, 'I love you' pushes those fears further back, to feel comfort of his arms ready to protect you from those fears, brightens at the darkest of times. He gave me a new life and now I live again. He's gone for three months and the thoughts of the past love won't leave me. Fear comes to me, the fear of losing the one I love hurts me so much. The pain stops with the thoughts of being with him again, the happiness he brought back to me. Nights go by when I don't think of him, restless nights where I lay awake in pain and misery have changed to dreamless sleep where I wake up to a fantasy world. He's too good to be true, is that I fear and happiness is just a thread that I am balancing on. I don't want to loose this life again. I spoke too soon, the fear came and he left, but why make a fuss? To him it was just a game, none of it should've mattered, why bother anymore? I must fight this anger in me and forgive him for his childish actions. What can you do but sulk? A few months pass by and I continue to drain myself with tears, remembering my mortal true love and desiring to be with him again. I lie awake in bed throughout those lonely nights wishing and dreaming still for the impossible. To touch that mortal's face again, in this world, and tell him that I still love him still. But then again, I don't exist, to anyone, I never existed, I am not human, therefore I shouldn't be behaving like one. I have to be the way I was again, quiet, listening, and observing but never participating in their behaviour ever again. Months go by and finally the pain stops one day. I am happy again and I do not regret all that had happened. I am just happy that I did witness it and finally glad I'm out of my ordeal. A blessed night comes to me, I closed my eyes and the handsome creature meets me in my dream realm. We greet eachother with a kiss and he tells me how proud of me he is, of surviving such a life so far and that he loves me still after all these years or what seems to be an eternity to me. I beg him to let me end this life so I could be with him again in pure happiness but he refuses and reminds me that my elders would punish me if I did such a thing. I must be patient and learn more of what this world has to offer me while I still live, is what he tells me before he parted. A kiss farewell and I awake to a new morning and a beautiful rising sun, ready for the world and a new day. Once again I am happy and say a pray to my goddess thanking her for allowing me to see my love again. |
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Friday, November 8, 2002 Today the one I cared about the most, walked out of my life....... but of course he would leave me right? why would anywayson even want to be with me. There is no reason for me to finish this story anymore. So many friends lost, so many I cared about left me... there is no point for this anymore, there is no hope, he's gone and I have to forget about him.... I can't continue gettin ghurt like this anymore, I don't deserve this.... why am I being punished so horribly? |